I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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