Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
