you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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