the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize