Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize