even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
