You're so nebulous sometimes
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
