We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
