Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
