i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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