I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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