3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize