saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Randomize
