whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
the raccoons are back...
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