last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
