i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
