In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Is it penis luge time yet?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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