My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
