Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
