i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
