Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
