If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize