my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
