Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
