The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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