May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
