I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
