you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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