Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
