I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize