Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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