i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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