the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
