Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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