I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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