1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Randomize
