I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
