I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's shark week go big or go home
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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