He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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