apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
