Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
