she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
