I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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