did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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