Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
