First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
