no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
