Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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