did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
