why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
