I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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