i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Everclear isn't food dammit
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
