Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize