Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize