May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
ttyl tear gas
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Randomize
