I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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