Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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