god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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