i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
