I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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