two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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