We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
