I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
