My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
