I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
