Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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