i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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