Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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