I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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