my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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