i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
