I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
