can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
