There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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