right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
